Here are some household items you might need *

Small tasty treats, such as bread crumbs, marshmallows, chips, or crackers.
Hollow piping, like leftover electrical conduit, metal broom handles, or large window scraper for automobiles.
Chew-resistant wire, such as phone chord, 550 parachuting chord, or CAT5 networking/ethernet cable.
Protective items, like safety goggles, motorcycle helmet, thick gloves, shin guards or durable pants.

* Never interact with animals without animal control present.

The goal in the following steps is to remove a Procyon lotor (also known as, raccoon) from a residence using a food lure or a leash pole.

Leash poles are often used by animal control specialists to restrain domesticated and non-domesticated animals while maintaining a safe distance between their person and the animal.

The following 10-step process is one of extreme cardio stress and a true test of physical fitness possibly resulting a high level of exhaustion and fatigue. Be sure to properly warm up and stretch before the attempt is made.

If, in fact, visual confirmation has been verified of said raccoon in the garage, begin with a generously portioned trail of bread crumbs ranging from 1/2 cubic inch to 2 cubic inches (varying in the length, width and height dimensions) or alternative treat leading from the garage door to the end of the driveway. Drop the “crumbs” in altering 2 to 6 inch intervals.

Leave the garage door cracked open approximately 1 to 2 feet allowing safe exit for the furry mammal. While safely indoors, keep a close eye on the garage to ensure visual confirmation of evacuation. This process could take between 0 and 4 hours. If there are other household members, watching in rotation every 15-20 minutes is recommended.

If the bait has been taken and the garage is raccoon free, close the garage door, get indoors, and enjoy the rest of the evening in peace. If, however, after the long 4 hour wait, the mongrel has not caught on to the bread crumb hint or is full from previously feasting on the casserole once being stored in the cool temperatures, proceed to steps 3-10.

Locate a hollow pipe or pole approximately 3-8 feet in length and 3/4 to 1 3/4 inches in diameter. If the pipe is located in the garage, please use extreme caution upon retrieval as to not disturb it’s new inhabitant.

Household items that may be used as a substitute are leftover electrical conduit, hollow metal broom handles, large hollow window scraper handle for automobiles, or the like.

The next item needed is a long piece of strong, chew-resistant wire or twine approximately 3 times the length if the pole. It should be durable, but flexible and capable of maintaining a loop or noose-like shape.

Household items that may be used as a substitute are phone chord, 550 parachuting chord, or CAT5 networking/ethernet cable.

The goal is to form a leash pole to both restrain the animal, and keep the user’s ankles rabies free.

Hold the two ends of the wire flush with each other and tie them together into an overhand knot (see image below or a different 10-step process on how to tie an overhand knot).

Feed the middle of the wire all the way through the pole creating a 6-inch diameter loop on the other side.

It is a commonly known fact that raccoons have the natural and instinctual ability to fictionally shape-shift into giant, grotesque, eight-foot tall monsters with razor sharp fangs, ferocious bear-like claws and spiked tails they use to whip at their enemies when cornered similar to a Stegosaurus. That is why it is important to pad up before engaging in the trapping ritual.

Be sure to protect the hands first and foremost. Oven mitts or 1/2-1 inch thick winter gloves will suffice. Additionally, when the raccoon inevitably swipes for the eyeballs, safety goggles or perhaps a motorcycle helmet will provide ample protection. If shin guards are able to be acquired, use them to protect your lower legs from the spiked tail.

Success is paramount during the wrangling process, for there may not be an opportunity for a second attempt. Once the beast has been located in the garage, approach slowly and cautiously with the newly created leashing device extended. With one hand on the pole, and the other hand grasping the knot tied in the wire, gracefully lure the raccoon’s head through the wire loop.

At the very moment the wire is clearly around the neck, pull back with the hand grasping the knotted end of the wire, creating a snug fit and gaining command of the beast.

It is likely the animal will not be overly enthusiastic about the new predicament, so be sure to keep the wire taught as not to allow freedom.

It is time to forcefully remove the unwanted guest from the garage. Note that the amount of effort discharged will be equally, if not doubly, met by the fuzzy psychopathic fiend. Pushing, pulling, and towing are all acceptable methods for ejection, as long as the end of the driveway is where the battle resolves.

In this step, the goal is to release raccoon back into it’s most modern natural habitat: the streets. Simply releasing the hellion after manhandling it all the way down the driveway could result in a fatal mistake. Getting it as far away from your person as possible prior to allowing freedom is the safest course of action. Unless your name is Barry Allen, the hammer throw technique is most effective.

To begin, Just start spinning in circles clockwise or counter-clockwise, keeping tension on the wire and control over the invader, and let the momentum do the work. Once a satisfactory velocity has been reached, simply release everything with both hands and let the entire device – connected raccoon included – go flying (toward the street, not the garage).

It is strongly advised that there are no moving vehicles in the vicinity during the release process.

Note: Running quickly back toward the house immediately following the hammer throw event would still be considered best practice.

Now that your garage has been liberated of nothing but a future pelt, it is time to remember this stunning accomplishment by displaying your hand crafted, field expedient, monster extermination device.

It also helps to commemorate the moment with an action shot featuring the device in full battle ready protective gear (beard not required).

Let this be a lesson for future times to remember that keeping the door to the garage closed at all times when not in use is essential to a raccoon free life.